Schnidtoopily
by Kentura Dragmire
Summary: Harry Potter crossover of sorts... Link plans a vacation with the travel agency from hell: the one Ganondorf threw together on a whim. Sent careening through time and space, Link needs to find a way back - and fast. Luckily, that's exactly what happens. A


Schnidtoopily was written a few years ago. Which explains its overall lack of freshly-brewed goodness.  
  
This whole thing was written JUST BECAUSE, so if you find pointless things boring, leave now. On second thought, read it anyway. For you opposing pointless things, I want you to read this and get pissed off. JUST BECAUSE.  
  
So here we are, the result of an unhealthy Zelda addiction, and many sugar/loud music highs.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. I also don't admit to adding lame technological advances to Navi's stockpile of goodies. Like a cell phone and a day planner. I'm telling you, Bob did it.  
  
Link sighed. "Life is so boring all of a sudden. I mean, after being raised as an elf, followed around by a fairy, having my spirit and body separated for seven years, and then saving the world from utter and total destruction, it almost feels as if I've done . . . well, everything."  
"You're right," said Navi. "You look really depressed. After all the stress of being the Hero of Time and all, I think you could use some serious therapy." She giggled and swooped out of Link's reach as he tried to swat her.  
"Therapy schmerapy. It's all for nutty morons who bite their nails and jump at small noises. There's absolutely no way you're -"  
"BOO!" said Navi.  
"AH!" yelped Link. "Don't do that!" He immediately stuck his fingers in his mouth and began gnawing nervously at his nails, already bitten short.  
"I rest my case," said Navi smugly.  
"Well, I'm never going to be seen in a psychiatrist's office, you can count on that."  
"What if you were sure no one you knew was going to be there?"  
"Er . . ."  
"Done. I'll get you an appointment tomorrow," Navi chirped briskly, flipping through a day planner.  
"Since when do you organize my life?" Link snarled.  
"Duh, I'm your guardian fairy. My schedule is your schedule. It's my life's purpose to follow you around and constantly remind you of things you'd rather forget."  
"I see. And when does your reign of terror come to an end?"  
"Heh heh heh . . . Let's just say you're in my charge from now 'til kingdom come."  
Link winced. It's going to be a loooooooooong eternity.  
"Okay, tomorrow morning when? Oh, 4 a.m. is a perfect time, thank you so much. He'll see you then! Bye." Navi pocketed her cell phone. "I was just talking to the psychiatrist's secretary. Your new doctor's name is Dr. . . . um, something like Cookamunjario . . . anyway, he's the lakeside scientist. It seems he's taken interest in psychiatry and tomorrow is his first day on the job."  
"Erm . . . uh, you said the appointment was at . . ."  
"Four a.m."  
"WHAT? I'll never be able to wake up by that time! My expert height- of-moon-reading skills tell me it's 11 p.m. right now . . . which gives me five hours of sleep? You've gotta be kidding me!"  
There were still several Kokiri children playing tag outside.  
"Link," Navi said rolling her eyes, "It's light out. The moon you saw was Mido. It's only 6 p.m., which gives you eight hours of sleep, if you start now and warp in the morning. Besides, there's going to be no one else in the office at that time, much less people you know. Your dignity is safe with me."  
"Really? Aw, thanks Nav. I'm so glad I can trust you," said Link seriously, heading inside for his bed. "Wake me up when it's time to go."  
Navi sat swinging her feet on a ladder rung, letting the wind run through her hair. On the evenings when Link had returned home in time (or at all) to eat and sleep at home, it was her custom to sit up late and watch the children go about their bedtime routines before retiring for the night. Well, that's what she told him, at least. In truth, she had little more than passing interest in the Kokiris' activities, but was more often occupied in the other fairies' personal lives. It's a shame, really, she thought, that I hardly get to speak with them any more. All this traveling . . .makes it hard to be in the know-how.  
Navi sighed. There goes Thra. Looking for Geowé, no doubt. So she's still the pathetic little slut she was ten years ago . Din's foot! Would you look at Bo's hair!? I've never seen anything so hideous . I mean, there could be dead caterpillars in there and she'd never find them! They were lucky when they had me to set the standards for them all that time ago, obviously fashion has gone nowhere but downhill since I left. It's really a pity .  
Mido faked a sneeze to get Navi's attention. Navi looked at him down her nose. So he sounds constipated as well .  
"Hey Navi, where's your precious hero?" he sneered. "Tucked under his blankets nursing his thorn-scratches, I'll bet."  
"Hmph." Navi addressed Mido and his fairy. "Hello, Lun, Mido. I trust you're well."  
"Well as a healthy tree, Navi."  
Navi wrinkled her nose. "Beg pardon?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry. You'd have to have read my memoirs to understand it ." Lun tossed her head contemptuously. "Are you sure she heard your question?" she asked, turning to Mido.  
"I certainly did, quite well, thank you," Navi retorted, crossing her arms. "For your information, he's getting some early rest for a vital, er, quest to begin quite early tomorrow morning. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would like to get back to enjoying the peace and quiet." She fluttered inside to her favourite perch above the crooked doorframe. Does that Lun ever need a nose job .  
". He's sleeping?" Lun exclaimed.  
"Now?!" Mido continued. "Tell me she's kidding!! What kind of a loser goes to sleep at dinner time? Haahahhaa . What a wimp!" He picked up a pebble and launched it into Link's window. It clattered into some pottery, causing Link to twitch violently in his sleep. Navi wrapped a thick blanket around her ears and began to hum loudly. A handful of pond slime soon followed the pebble, and, being heavier, landed short: hitting Link's bare shoulder with a sloppy flap. He gave a short shriek, and flung it back out the window, shuddering. Of all the rude awakenings I've had .  
Link leaned out of his window and scowled, recognizing Mido's voice as he scuttled away, laughing like a maniac. "Oh great, I wonder what kind of rumour he'll cook up now," he grumbled.  
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Navi hollered, still clutching the blanket to her ears. "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO COOK TUMOURS AGAIN." 


End file.
